Jonathan's 20 Worst Anime: Honorable Mentions
Bad anime. It's everywhere. Right turn, BAM, overly long shonen wank! Turn left, POW, lifeless slice of life show from the era of Lucky Star! Turn back and KERPAPPLE, a stampede of LIGHT. NOVEL. MAGICAL. SCHOOL. ANIME.
No matter what age you grew up with the big A in, you have probably seen a fair bit of crap. Sure, I wasn't around for the dark ages of the OVA boom, where lies the horrible myths of gay murderous super soldiers and tentacle monsters, but bad is not exclusive to any time period. It is everywhere. The worst can strike when you least expect it, or in the exact form you'd expect (aka any light novel show about a magic school except Asterisk War). It can be hilarious, pathetic, or just maddening. Bad has countless forms, and it's time I laid out the worst of the worst that I've seen up to this point. Seasonals certainly added a good chunk here, but I've been here for years, rockin' my peers and keeping suckas in fear. If it's one thing I'm well vested on, it's bad anime.
I have a list of the twenty worst, but I'd like to start us off with some not so honorable mentions first. These shows didn't make the final cut for one reason or another, but they all deserve a good punch in the teeth. So let's do this right.
*ahem*
.hack//SIGN – If I wanted to watch a bunch of teenagers talk endlessly about meaningless things instead of actually saying what was bothering them, I'd go to any high school in existence. NEXT!
.hack//Legend of the Twilight Bracelet – What an inventive idea, take what people like and then make it terrible. The title is appropriate, though, but the bracelet isn't the thing having the twilight – that would be the franchise. NEXT!
Blood+ - Tossing around a bunch of meaningless gore and having the most interesting stuff at the very end of a grueling slog of nothing? What is this, the latest Zack Snyder film!? Well, no, there would at least be production values then. NEXT!
Elfen Lied – Because when I think an instant classic, I think of a mentally challenged catgirl urinating on the floor and crying. Nothing has given me tone whiplash like this since the last time I talked to a compassionate conservative. NEXT!
Valkyrie Drive: Mermaid – What braindead monkey makes a show filled with lesbians, and somehow still includes a hetero gangrape scene and thousands of lesbians going gaga for a person they think is a guy? I expected more from the man who packaged a game with a panty scented strap. NEXT!
Queens Blade S1 – Novel idea, give us a cast of interesting and bizarre characters and have us follow the child with giant tits and then watch her get beat up and cry for two thirds of the series! When terrible characterization is more notable to me than the scene where one girl feels up another while poisoning her with her crotch snakes, you've invented new ways to embarrass your parents. NEXT!
Naruto – Believe it? What, believe that the animation studio didn't care the majority of the time and that I wasted years on this garbage? I'd rather believe there wasn't eighty episodes of vapid, thematic repetition that ended up used as part of the enhanced interrogation program at Guantanamo. NEXT!
Bleach – I don't know what's worse, the awful filler arcs, or the awful endless monster arc they were supposed to be adapting in the first place. There are times in this show where I feel like putting bleach in my eyes. NEXT!
Who is Imouto!? - Boy tries to figure out which of these generic, obnoxious cartoon girls is his biological sister so he doesn't fuck her on accident. That's not the plot of an anime, that's the plot of a 60s exploitation film. NEXT!
Pupa – This show isn't a show, it's an IOU that will never be cashed in, and in the fine-print reads “onii-chan” on repeat for thirty-three lines. But I suppose it's necessary, how else will your strange neighbor fulfill his incest vore fantasy? NEXT!
Ninja Slayer From Animation – It's like an Adult Swim parody show, but shit. Adult Swim parody shows are shit by design. Imagine how shit you have to be to be shittier than purposeful shit. This show is the droppings of Assie Mcgee, animated by a studio that didn't know if they were making a shitty show or a shitty joke. It's so shitty that you can find corn between the attempted rape scenes. NEXT!
Shaman King (4Kids Dub) – They named the Chinese kid Lenny! That's like naming Shaft “Peppy the cute street urchin.” The king is dead, good riddance. NEXT!
One Piece (4Kids Dub) – If only this dub was in one piece! Removing entire major arcs, painting guns green, replacing a character's dialog entirely with puns, and the rapping! If you're wondering where Soldja Boy came from, wonder no more. NEXT!
Air – Key is a good name for the group behind this Lifetime by the way of anime highschoolers original movie. They're the key to my endless frustration and disgust. NEXT!
Street Fighter II V – Just another in a long line of fighting shows that forgot to have well animated fighting. This atrocity gets bonus points for having the general energy of a crippled sloth. NEXT!
Tokyo ESP – ESP? Oh, are you psychic? Well, I wish I was so I'd known to never have watched this perpetual disappointment! This is the worst thing the Ghostbusters have been attached to since Dave Coulier! Look it up, kids, your parents had awful taste in comedy. NEXT!
Manga Artist and his Assistants – Sir, if you wanted to have anime girls molested and sexually harassed, don't pretend to be making a comedy about making manga, just go make some porn. That way, we can all more easily ignore it. NEXT!
In Search of the Lost Future – Well, I'm in search of my lost hours watching this Steins;Gate wannabe trash! This show is like Schrodinger's cat, in that it's a bad joke people took seriously. NEXT!
Devil May Cry – Instead of exploring the interesting detachment the main character has from humanity while acting as its protector, just have him eat strawberry sundaes every episode. Brilliant! No wonder Capcom let the west take a stab at this property, we can't have done worse than its home country already did. NEXT!
Tokko – This brave, ambitious demon slaying drama has subplots about an angry man doing office work and hints of incest. This show is not a sunny day, it's one during a rain of frogs. NEXT!
Pandora in the Crimson Shell: Ghost Urn – The latest from the creator of Ghost in the Shell, one of the most influential sci-fi properties ever made. Proof that failure knows no limits, not even success. Also proof that he's probably on a few watchlists. NEXT!
Aldonah.Zero – What happens when someone tries to do Urobuchi's Code Geass while also being a complete failure as a writer? The most disappointing thing since the Obama presidency.
AND THAT'S THE GARBAGE THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT! Strap in, because there's some live changing horror ahead. You'll laugh, you'll cry, mostly that last one. Join us next time for the exploration for the source of all my despair!
No matter what age you grew up with the big A in, you have probably seen a fair bit of crap. Sure, I wasn't around for the dark ages of the OVA boom, where lies the horrible myths of gay murderous super soldiers and tentacle monsters, but bad is not exclusive to any time period. It is everywhere. The worst can strike when you least expect it, or in the exact form you'd expect (aka any light novel show about a magic school except Asterisk War). It can be hilarious, pathetic, or just maddening. Bad has countless forms, and it's time I laid out the worst of the worst that I've seen up to this point. Seasonals certainly added a good chunk here, but I've been here for years, rockin' my peers and keeping suckas in fear. If it's one thing I'm well vested on, it's bad anime.
I have a list of the twenty worst, but I'd like to start us off with some not so honorable mentions first. These shows didn't make the final cut for one reason or another, but they all deserve a good punch in the teeth. So let's do this right.
*ahem*
.hack//SIGN – If I wanted to watch a bunch of teenagers talk endlessly about meaningless things instead of actually saying what was bothering them, I'd go to any high school in existence. NEXT!
.hack//Legend of the Twilight Bracelet – What an inventive idea, take what people like and then make it terrible. The title is appropriate, though, but the bracelet isn't the thing having the twilight – that would be the franchise. NEXT!
Blood+ - Tossing around a bunch of meaningless gore and having the most interesting stuff at the very end of a grueling slog of nothing? What is this, the latest Zack Snyder film!? Well, no, there would at least be production values then. NEXT!
Elfen Lied – Because when I think an instant classic, I think of a mentally challenged catgirl urinating on the floor and crying. Nothing has given me tone whiplash like this since the last time I talked to a compassionate conservative. NEXT!
Valkyrie Drive: Mermaid – What braindead monkey makes a show filled with lesbians, and somehow still includes a hetero gangrape scene and thousands of lesbians going gaga for a person they think is a guy? I expected more from the man who packaged a game with a panty scented strap. NEXT!
Queens Blade S1 – Novel idea, give us a cast of interesting and bizarre characters and have us follow the child with giant tits and then watch her get beat up and cry for two thirds of the series! When terrible characterization is more notable to me than the scene where one girl feels up another while poisoning her with her crotch snakes, you've invented new ways to embarrass your parents. NEXT!
Naruto – Believe it? What, believe that the animation studio didn't care the majority of the time and that I wasted years on this garbage? I'd rather believe there wasn't eighty episodes of vapid, thematic repetition that ended up used as part of the enhanced interrogation program at Guantanamo. NEXT!
Bleach – I don't know what's worse, the awful filler arcs, or the awful endless monster arc they were supposed to be adapting in the first place. There are times in this show where I feel like putting bleach in my eyes. NEXT!
Who is Imouto!? - Boy tries to figure out which of these generic, obnoxious cartoon girls is his biological sister so he doesn't fuck her on accident. That's not the plot of an anime, that's the plot of a 60s exploitation film. NEXT!
Pupa – This show isn't a show, it's an IOU that will never be cashed in, and in the fine-print reads “onii-chan” on repeat for thirty-three lines. But I suppose it's necessary, how else will your strange neighbor fulfill his incest vore fantasy? NEXT!
Ninja Slayer From Animation – It's like an Adult Swim parody show, but shit. Adult Swim parody shows are shit by design. Imagine how shit you have to be to be shittier than purposeful shit. This show is the droppings of Assie Mcgee, animated by a studio that didn't know if they were making a shitty show or a shitty joke. It's so shitty that you can find corn between the attempted rape scenes. NEXT!
Shaman King (4Kids Dub) – They named the Chinese kid Lenny! That's like naming Shaft “Peppy the cute street urchin.” The king is dead, good riddance. NEXT!
One Piece (4Kids Dub) – If only this dub was in one piece! Removing entire major arcs, painting guns green, replacing a character's dialog entirely with puns, and the rapping! If you're wondering where Soldja Boy came from, wonder no more. NEXT!
Air – Key is a good name for the group behind this Lifetime by the way of anime highschoolers original movie. They're the key to my endless frustration and disgust. NEXT!
Street Fighter II V – Just another in a long line of fighting shows that forgot to have well animated fighting. This atrocity gets bonus points for having the general energy of a crippled sloth. NEXT!
Tokyo ESP – ESP? Oh, are you psychic? Well, I wish I was so I'd known to never have watched this perpetual disappointment! This is the worst thing the Ghostbusters have been attached to since Dave Coulier! Look it up, kids, your parents had awful taste in comedy. NEXT!
Manga Artist and his Assistants – Sir, if you wanted to have anime girls molested and sexually harassed, don't pretend to be making a comedy about making manga, just go make some porn. That way, we can all more easily ignore it. NEXT!
In Search of the Lost Future – Well, I'm in search of my lost hours watching this Steins;Gate wannabe trash! This show is like Schrodinger's cat, in that it's a bad joke people took seriously. NEXT!
Devil May Cry – Instead of exploring the interesting detachment the main character has from humanity while acting as its protector, just have him eat strawberry sundaes every episode. Brilliant! No wonder Capcom let the west take a stab at this property, we can't have done worse than its home country already did. NEXT!
Tokko – This brave, ambitious demon slaying drama has subplots about an angry man doing office work and hints of incest. This show is not a sunny day, it's one during a rain of frogs. NEXT!
Pandora in the Crimson Shell: Ghost Urn – The latest from the creator of Ghost in the Shell, one of the most influential sci-fi properties ever made. Proof that failure knows no limits, not even success. Also proof that he's probably on a few watchlists. NEXT!
Aldonah.Zero – What happens when someone tries to do Urobuchi's Code Geass while also being a complete failure as a writer? The most disappointing thing since the Obama presidency.
AND THAT'S THE GARBAGE THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT! Strap in, because there's some live changing horror ahead. You'll laugh, you'll cry, mostly that last one. Join us next time for the exploration for the source of all my despair!
How do you have the energy to write this much information this quickly?
ReplyDeleteA follow-up question would be why he has this kind of energy.
DeleteNinja Slayer From Animation is made shitty on purpose though, from what I heard.
ReplyDeleteThat sounds like a real waste of money, then... >_>
Delete